May 24, 2011

  • Top Ten Reasons Jesus Hasn’t Returned

    10.  Jesus stubbornly wanted to build all those promised mansions himself the old fashioned way and people had sex (despite his and Paul’s vain attempts to advocate celibacy) faster than he could finish them.

    9.  Yahweh had to maintain the pretenses that no one would know the day he would return despite the endless nutcases predicting every single day for the last 2,000 years.

    8.  Turns out, Satan successfully managed to tempt Jesus in the desert and even though Yahweh had to call the whole thing off, Satan decided to keep the project rolling.

    7.  Early Christian evangelists with their magic powers made their 144,000 saint quota quite early, Yahweh made a new heavens and a new earth, and he just forgot to turn off the old ones.

    6.  Some earnest Christian teens keep begging for “just five more minutes” of sleep through every time zone for the last 2,000 years and Jesus just can’t say no to such epic sincerity.

    5.  As we learned from the book of Job, Yahweh has a horrible gambling habit with people’s souls, and some snarky demon in his court bet him that he would never allow his promises to look so silly if left unfulfilled for the next 10,000 years.

    4. Turns out, Christians with guilty consciences really DON’T mean it when they ask for forgiveness and then keep sinning, and Jesus still just hasn’t met his quota of actual saints yet.

    3.  Though it sounded good at the time, Yahweh has been having second thoughts about that whole eternal damnation thing and decided procrastinating on Judgment Day was an adequate loophole in order to save face.

    2. The original autographs of the inerrant Bible actually said that at the end of time there would be “Star Wars” and “rumors of Star Wars in 3D” and later scribes didn’t understand Jesus’ lengthy digression on rotoscoping.

    1.  (and the least probable of them all!) Christianity is false.

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